The Ghost of You, You Won’t be Mine and Flowers

Title: The Ghost of You
Author: MistressKitty [formerly known as Josephine]
Summary: Mi/L, character death
Rating: Pg-13
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The Ghost of You
They killed you to torture Max, to make him give in. Give in to the FBI, those special unit straggles who became obsessed with what they knew, and give in to Tess and her destiny. But I was the one who saw you die, the knives slashing through you, spewing your dark blood in the eerie moonlit alleyway just out side of Roswell.
I was too late to save you, your last breath spent before I could reach your cooling body and let the words fall to your ears. So I tell you know, now when I can never know what your response will be, or if you're even listening.
I'll tell you know, I love you.
They didn't give you a burial, at least a public one. I saw them harshly toss your body into a hole in the desert sand, I watched from far away, and I cried. Your family and friends were told that your body was never found. They did weep for you, I want you to know that people loved you, and truly cared for you, you were an important person who mattered. You ARE an
important person. At least to me, you seem still alive. You might have been "the smallest of small town girls" but you made an impression on everyone who ever met you. Especially on me.
Sometimes, I'll stay up late at night, and imagine I feel your touch, your breath, and sometimes, I can smell you nearby- that wafting lavender of the shampoo you used. The scent of you will forever be engrained in my memory.
I treasure my memories of you. When you came to the trailer park to warn me of Topolsky and I heard the words, but all I could see was your eyes, and how they could be in danger because of me and a mistake I might have already made.
When I sat on my bed, copying page after page of your journal so I could read them over and over again knowing it would be one of the few glances of your soul I would ever see. And wanting to cherish those words you spoke with such certainty, "I'm Liz Parker.” And it was then I knew that I wanted to be the one who your heart went to.
When I heard of your grandmother’s death from Max and inside my heart broke for you. I only wished I had been the one to help you through it.
When you saw Max kiss Tess and I sent Maria to you, knowing you would need a friend, wishing the whole time that someday I could be the one to bring you comfort.
When I showed up at your house that rainy night only to discover that your shades were drawn and the window was locked, and my heart sunk, knowing that you, Liz Parker cared enough for my that- if you had known what was going on- you would have taken me in, and forced me to be helped. Instead I went to Maria's, where I cried, because I really wanted you.
When I took you in my arms, and held you, for the first and only time.
Those fleeting moments when your eyes would catch mine and a spark of electricity would flow between us, the rebel and the schoolgirl, the polar opposites, and for a moment, I could feel we were connected.
I feel that connection now, when I talk to the air, and you seem to comfort me while I dry my tears. Yes, Liz, I would have been Max Evans for you.
But I would rather have been Michael Guerin, the Michael who loved you without abandon or pretence in the silence of those looks.
But I didn't have time.
You were taken away from all of us too soon. I felt like a piece of my soul I didn't know was there had been ripped from me, as I watched the light fade from your eyes, and I had to walk away.
So, no here with the essence of you, I decide to move on. I could never have Liz Parker alive, so, while you're with me, let me tell you I would never give away the time we had together for any knowledge that you are really here now.
Because it's enough just for me to believe that you haunt me, Liz Parker.
In more ways than one.

You won't be mine by MistressKitty [formerly known as Josephine]
July 23, 2000
Disclaimer: Lyrics belong to matchbox twenty.
Category: AU fic, Mi/L

You won't be mine

I looked up and there she was, her beautiful dark brown eyes smiling right into mine. There was no pretense, not here where there was no one around but ourselves. The soft glow from the street lamp nearby was the only light, cast overhead to turn normally eerie shadows into dancing reflections of her.

"Thanks for coming.” I said, unable to tear my eyes from hers, her face drew me in, in a way I had never experienced with anyone else. I had let her in. She knew every part of my entire being and she loved me in spite of it- or maybe for it.

I had seen her soul too, and I hadn't been disappointed. She was as amazing and graceful on the inside as she seemed from the distance I had kept for so long. She let me see her, the real her.

In response to my shy thanks, she placed a hand that hummed with energy on my cheek, and ran her first two fingers through my hair over my ear. She prompted me to bring up my own hand and finger her soft, full hair. I brought it to my nose and drank in the lavender purity of her aura.

"There was something you wanted to tell me?” I froze, pulling back my hand slightly. Could I go through with it? I didn't know if I could stand feeling her measure where her loyalties lay- weather or not they lay with me.

"Yes.” I decided to stall. "But later. Let's enjoy the beautiful night.” I grasped her hand in my own and broke into a half run, feeling like a child again, tugging my friend to the sandbox. We were headed into the dark, but I knew this place well. I could not lose her, now or ever. I would be lost without her light near me.

"Where are we going?" she gasped, trying to keep up and repress the laughter that kept escaping and tickling her aura with a quiet sudden flaring of pink.

"You'll see.” I couldn't resist answering, knowing that I was driving her mad with my inconclusive answers. She had to know; even now I could see the thoughtfulness in her face, deducing the facts to find an answer. "Stop thinking.” I jerked her arm and flashed her a smile. "I want this to be a surprise."

She mock frowned in response, but began to follow without question, almost pushing me forward to reach our destination.

The only problem was- I didn't exactly know where that was at the moment. Not the cliff, stargazing was fun, but not tonight. Something that would leave her breathless and force her to see the truth, not what she had guessed as the truth.

We were nearing the woods now; I glanced back at her, our auras glowing with unblocked happiness. We were children; our souls had become young again. We had seen too much, too much to forget, but for the moment every hindrance fell away and we were giddy with the joy of youth.


In a flash I had come to a complete halt, flopping down onto the ground. She came down with me in a whirl of hair and laughs, always finding the hilarity in what could have been an awkward situation. Suddenly the laughter that had also come from me slowed to a stop, and we both realized the obvious. She was on top of me. I licked my dry lips and she maneuvered
herself to lie next to me on the pine needle coated ground.

Even her aura blushed.

We lay there breathing and looking up at the stars through the gap in the trees overhead. I could sense her beside me, and I knew I had to tell her and suffer the consequences.

"Liz," I started, and had to swallow. "I-"

"You know you're one of my best friends, Michael?” She knew. She had known what I was going to say and she couldn't hear it. I was willing to give up everything for this, for her, for us. And she had shoved it away.

I couldn't answer, if I spoke or even opened my eyes I would shatter. Shatter, and every broken piece of me would grind into the others until I just faded away. I felt more than saw her turn towards me, her face moving close to me, her lips almost brushing my ears. "You do know that, don't you, Michael?” She was pleading with me, begging me to realize that she
could never bear to hurt Max or Maria for her own happiness.

I winced and brushed my hand over my eyes. I didn't know if I could 'just be friends'. "Yeah.” I managed, full of a gust of a sigh I didn't mean for her to hear.

When was the last time I had cried? Why did Liz Parker hold this force over me that I couldn't be without her, I couldn't stand not being able to kiss her, hold her, and tell her I love her.

The thing was, she loved me back but she would never be mine.

But I would never be anyone else's but hers.

She sat up next to me, and we stared into each other's eyes for an eternity, her aura shifting to a deep blue and gray. Without warning, she was there, kissing me full on the lips, pulling me to her with both hands as if she would never let go. Why was she doing this? But I couldn't control my own hands, pulling her body closer. I was kissing her back.

The kiss only seemed like a few seconds, but must have in fact been a while, because my heart was racing and I was having trouble breathing. "Why can't we be together," I felt like whining, but I didn't. It would only make this harder.

We stood up, avoiding each other's eyes and brushed off our jeans. We walked silently, covering our tracks because this was our secret. When we reached the spot on the sidewalk where the street light barely kissed our faces, we parted, with for me a brief touch on her shoulder, and her a last run of fingers through my hair.

We parted, the rebel and the schoolgirl, who could never be, and I knew in my heart that she would never be mine.

The End

take your head around the world
see what you get
from your mind
write your soul down word for word
see who's your friend
who is kind
it's almost like a disease
i know soon you will be
over the lies, you'll be strong
you'll be rich in love and you will carry on
but no- oh no
no you won't be mine
take your straight line for a curve
make it stretch, the same old line
try to find if it was worth what you spent
why you're guilty for the way
you're feeling now
it's almost like being free
and i know soon you will be
over the lies you'll be strong
you'll be rich in love and you will carry on
but no- oh no
no you won't be mine
take your self out to the curb
sit and wait
a fool for life
it's almost like a disease
i know soon you will be
no- oh no
no you won't be mine
-You Won't Be Mine
--matchboxtwenty

Flowers by MistressKitty [formerly Josephine]
Inspired by “Beautiful Girl” by Paceysgal
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I sat on the edge of my bed, staring into nothingness, again. My toes dug and played in the thick carpet of my bedroom. My journal lay beside me, its smooth cover begging me to give release to my tortured thoughts. But I ignored it. What I was feeling now couldn't be forced into plain words.
I stared at the light placidly reflecting onto the window. The only thing I could see out of it from this angle was the patterned bricking of the office next door, across the alleyway.
My thumbs made slow circles on the quilted bedspread I was slowly allowing my self to sink into, as I relaxed fractionally. I blinked slowly, taking small satisfaction in the dark I beheld within my closed eyelids.
I felt my body relax more as I took long breaths through my nose, almost forgetting to let them go free.
My hair fell long and loose at my back adding to the heavy weight my head had become. I needed sleep was what my body was telling me, but that wasn't what I truly needed at all. I needed release. Release from everything I was feeling and thinking so tumultuously. Even sleeping didn't free me anymore.
My dream world had become dark and gloomy as I spun around, dancing, my feet barely touching the dandelions that was now slowly turning brown and dying. Like I was.
My feet were cold, I realized with a start. I brought them up under me and lay back on the bed. It had been a long time since I'd actually felt anything substantial. My grief for life- for that was what I had been feeling- had weighted me down into numbness.
I could feel my head sink into the pillow. Slowly, my eyes closed and my thoughts faded into sleep that would forever tempt me.
My bare feet brushed the small yellow flowers as I spun, my head lolled back. At least I imagined the flowers were still yellow, somehow I knew that they weren't. My mouth was forming a word; over and over it passed my tongue sounding like a plea. I couldn't understand it, I couldn't hear what it was I needed, who I needed.
My arms felt weightless, flying at my sides, the white nightgown I was wearing, blowing in the breeze I created. I could feel someone watching me, I always had. Maybe they could hear what I was saying, maybe they could help me.
I sat up suddenly, and for a moment I didn't know why. Then another beep filled the aching silence. I hit my alarm clock, turning it off. I felt numb as I slid off the bed, testing my toes on the cool floor. I was still tired. But it was the kind of tired that didn't require sleep.
It was Saturday, so I didn't have to go to school. But I didn’t have to work. In a way, that was harder, I had to smile and act happy for so many people. It exhausted me even more.
I stripped down to my underwear that I had fallen asleep in, and pulled my work dress over my head, still working the buttons as I stumbled downstairs.
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Off work finally, my room offered solace, but not the soul-solace I needed so deeply. There was someone who could help me, but I didn't know who it was, so Advil would have to do for now. I took a vague amount that would have frightened me if I didn't feel the blessed release so quickly.
I kneeled down next to my bed, groping around under it for the cold metal that soon kissed my fingertips. I pulled it out, and made sure it was loaded. My father had bought it for me the day of the shooting, but he didn't know I had it loaded.
I would do it, and there would be no one here to save me this time. Still dressed in my uniform, I turned towards the window slowly.
Liz, look out! The words echoed in my head as my finger tightened around the trigger. I fell back from the force of it, and I could feel the blood soaking my abdominal region. I whispered a name, and then faded into blackness.
The flowers didn't seem so happy anymore.
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July 20, 2000